What is not love

In the process of learning, knowing what something is, it’s also important to know what it isn’t. In this article, we present the LOVE paradigm proposed by Mr. Andy Figueroa (2010).

FIRST POINT, CASUISTIC

CASE 1: Do you think you are in love because when you see that person your hands sweat, your heart is pounding, and you don’t know what to say?

– THAT’S NOT LOVE (FROM YOU TO THEM), THAT’S NERVOUSNESS.

Unless, as a result of your knowledge, you know that “the person who is the object of your love, likes or wants your hands to sweat, your heart to pound and don’t know what to say; and that’s what you give them. ” Which would not be a healthy love relationship.

CASE 2: Do you think you are in love because only by being next to that person you feel calm?

– THAT’S NOT LOVE (FROM YOU TO THEM), THAT’S INSECURITY

Unless, as a result of your knowledge, you know that “the person who is the object of your love, likes that by being next to them you feel calm; and that’s what you give them. ” Which would not be a healthy love relationship.

CASE 3: Do you think they are in love with you because of the way they smile at you, looks at you and makes you understand that they like you?

– THAT’S NOT LOVE (FROM THEM TO YOU), THAT’S FLIRTING

Unless, as a result of the knowledge they have of you, “they smile at you, looks at you and makes you understand that they like you.” Which would not be a healthy love relationship.

CASE 4: Do you think you´re in love because you have equal tastes, want the same things and think similar?

– THAT’S NOT LOVE (FROM YOU TO THEM), THAT IS CASUALITY OR MATCH

Unless, as a result of your knowledge of “the person who is the object of your love, wants you to have equal tastes, want the same things and think similar to them; and that’s what you give them. ” Which would not be a healthy love relationship.

CASE 5: Do you think you’re in love because you simply cannot take your eyes or hands off of them?

– THAT’S NOT LOVE (FROM YOU TO THEM), THAT’S DESIRE OR LUJURY

Unless, as a result of your knowledge, you know that “the person who is the object of your love, wants or likes for you to not to take your eyes or hands off of them; and that’s what you give them. ” Which would not be a healthy love relationship.

CASE 6: Do you think you’re in love because when they’re not with you, you don’t know what to do?

– THAT’S NOT LOVE (FROM YOU TO THEM), THAT’S BOREDOM

Unless, as a result of your knowledge, you know that “the person who is the object of your love, wants or likes that when you are not with them, you don’t know what to do; and that’s what you give them. ” Which would not be a healthy love relationship.

CASE 7: Do you think you are in love because this person has a great time with you?

– THAT’S NOT LOVE (FROM YOU TO THEM), THAT’S FRIENDSHIP

Unless, as a result of your knowledge, you know that “the person who is the object of your love, wants or likes to have a great time with you; and that’s what you give them. “

CASE 8: Do you think you are in love because you think that person is perfect?

– THAT’S NOT LOVE (FROM YOU TO THEM), THAT’S IMAGINATION

Unless, as a result of your knowledge, you know that “the person who is the object of your love, wants or likes you to think they are perfect; and that’s what you give them. ” Which would not be a healthy love relationship.

CASE 9: Do you think you are in love because you like being with that person because they listen to you, understand you and advise you?

– THAT’S NOT LOVE (FROM YOU TO THEM), THAT IS TRUST

Unless, as a result of your knowledge, you know that “the person who is the object of your love, wants you to like them to listen to you, understand you and advise you; and that’s what you give them. ” Which would not be a healthy love relationship.

CASE 10: Do you think you are in love because you like the way they act, think and live?

– THAT IS NOT LOVE (FROM YOU TO THEM), THAT IS ADMIRATION

Unless, as a result of your knowledge, you know that “the person who is the object of your love, wants you to like the way they act, think and live; and that’s what you give them. “

CASE 11: Do you think you are in love because you feel that you’re nothing without that person?

– THAT’S NOT LOVE (FROM YOU TO THEM), THAT’S LOW SELF-ESTEEM

Unless, as a result of your knowledge, you know that “the person who is the object of your love, wants or likes you to feel that without that person you’re nothing; and that’s what you give them. ” Which would not be a healthy love relationship.

CASE 12: Do you think you are in love because you feel that you look great with that person?

– THAT’S NOT LOVE (FROM YOU TO THEM), THAT’S LUCK

Unless, as a result of your knowledge, you know that “the person who is the object of your love, wants or likes you to feel that you look very well with that person; and that’s what you give them. ” Which would not be a healthy love relationship.

CASE 13: Do you think you’re in love because you can’t help smiling when you think of that person and their presence brightens your day?

– THAT’S NOT LOVE (FROM YOU TO THEM), THAT’S LIKING

Unless, as a result of your knowledge, you know that “the person who is the object of your love, wants or likes that you cannot avoid smiling when you think of that person and their presence brightens your day; and that’s what you give them. ” Which would not be a healthy love relationship.

CASE 14: Do you think you are in love because you do not end the relationship so that they won’t cry, won’t be alone or to not hurt them?

– THAT’S NOT LOVE (FROM YOU TO THEM), THAT’S PITY

Unless, as a result of your knowledge, you know “the person who is the object of your love, wants or likes that you do not end the relationship with them so that they won’t cry, won’t be alone or to not hurt them; and that’s what you give them. ” Which would not be a healthy love relationship.

CASE 15: Do you think you are in love because you feel that you are willing to give all your material belongings to them?

– THAT’S NOT LOVE (FROM YOU TO THEM), THAT’S AN ARRRANGEMENT

Unless, as a result of your knowledge, you know that “the person who is the object of your love, wants or likes to feel that you are willing to give all your material belongings to them; and that’s what you give them. ” Which would not be a healthy love relationship

SECOND POINT, CONCEPTIONS AND WRONG THEORIES

It is not a feeling; imagine a parent who wants every day in their heart the best for their children; but, they don’t give them food or shelter, even if they see them in need.

It is not an emotion; imagine a parent who has a smile from ear to ear, dancing and singing; But, they don’t care that their children don’t have clean clothes to wear or if they know that their children are sick, they don’t do anything to treat them.

It is not a thought; imagine that a boy sees his partner who is about to fall into a ravine, but doesn’t say or do anything to prevent it, he just thinks that nothing will happen them, thinks that they will realize, thinks that something will stop them or that they will be fine.

It is not simply sharing or giving, because you can give a friend a fun conversation or invite them on a walk to an extraordinary place, but this person mourns because a loved one has died or is very busy because they are deciding something important in their life, so it will not be with pleasure or benefit.

Love has also been conceptualized with a certain typology: Sternberg R; Fromm E; Russel J; Alan J; Lomas T; among many other authors, across many cultures: romantic love, filial love, fatuous love, agape love, family love, ludus love, compassionate love, self love, fraternal love, maternal love, erotic love, spiritual love. The truth is that all these types appear according to the degree, level and subject or recipient of your love; and according to Figueroa’s proposal of healthy love, it doesn’t make much sense to make a typology because it is undefined (according to the indicated variables we could make from 500 to 1000 different types of love) and it doesn’t help the understanding of love.

THIRD POINT, WRONG LOGIC

It is also a logical and psychological mistake to define love with a tautology; for example: love is everything, love is infinite, love is being happy, love is sharing, love is surrender, love is when you love, love is decision, love is emotion, love is fullness, love is service, love is God, love is energy, love is sacrifice, love is admiring, love is appreciation, etc.

SOURCE: LO BUENO (Figueroa, 2018)

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